Long Lost BLOG

Well I forgot I had started this blog.  I think lately I am in need of a place to stick thoughts and life happenings.  I am excited that God brought this back to me.

I need an updated picture though- haha the baby there is now 5.

Speaking of her...
Boy oh boy.
She started Kindergarten.  It's been a real tough transition. L was born at the at the height of my natural mindedness... if that's a thing.
I was a breastfeeding, baby wearing, oil using, non vaccinating, keefer brewing, mama.
I dont think she got out of the carrier for any significant period of time till she was well over two.
She nursed to well over two.  She was my girl after a 3 boy streak (I do have an older girl who is fabulous)  and I put bows and dresses on her like it was my job! (I suppose it was a bit)

SO she has gone from Mama 24/7 to 8 hour a day kinder.  I am so torn. She freaks out each morning. Like pried from my arms screaming freak out.   She comes home so tired and sleeps usually for a while.  Now, I do think our school is good, and her teacher too. BUT... is it necessary?  I can do (and have done!) kindergarten at home.  I could let her play and teach her letters.. I want that.  I also want her in school. Because,Although she is hesitant, due to a speech delay, she does love to play with other girls.  She gets bored and lonely at home.  I get often frustrated with her constant need of my being her playmate when I do need to run our home.  What is best for her?  I need our Lord to write it in the sky....

My weakness for distraction and self serving is keeping me from pulling her home quickly.  I dont know if I have it in me to rock Kindergarten and homeschool like I did a few years ago.  I was excited then and felt called. Now I feel overwhelmed at the thought.  I will do what I need to do.  I just dont know what is right.   I need prayers and I need to pray for discernment.

Well I better focus on my home and little 2yr old C-M at home...

Diligence in Peace.

hope

I find the internet to be a distraction often, but I also find some inspiration here.  It's nice to find camaraderie among women who are living a similar life.  I learn from them,  I get tips and tricks.  My own earthly mother is lovely, but she was wounded as a child in many ways. Her own mother died when she was young and her mothering of me looked a lot like a friendship.  I treasure the women in my life that I can look to for an example of cooking, cleaning, and ordering a home.(I treasure my own sweet mother too!) I see many bad habits that become even more apparent as I age, that could have their roots in my childhood and the model that my mother gave me.  I do not blame her in anyway for this, it simply- is.
I often long to know and talk to my paternal grandmother who mothered 10 children.  She died when I was small.  I hope that she offers me her intersession in heaven.
The virtue of orderliness is a struggle for me.  I hate to get up early.  I would rather float along through life staying up late, eating out, and having others clean up my messes.  I remember thinking when I was younger that I didn't want children.  This life I lead turns me inside out.  13 years into my marriage I am still so imperfect.  I know, and my husband knows, that the desire of my heart is truly to be a good wife and mother. It would be very easy for me to give into despair when I fail.  I have a hard time living in the moment and can have an all or nothing attitude toward most things. 
My hope is that God sees my heart.  My sweet Lord knows that I want to be better and even though I rarely win the war, a battle well fought, in the moment, is pleasing and remembered by God.
Yesterday and tomorrow... heck even 5 min from this second are not real.  now-- now is all you have, do the best with it.  take it in your hands and make it right. then do that again. and again. and if  you fail. stop and pick up the next moment and do the Next right thing in that moment! yes you can.

O is for Orderliness

Each week of our homeschooling has a letter attached to it.  It helps me to have some sort of plan for snacks, virtue to be studied, and Saint for the week.  This book helped me organize our day in this way, I have had to adapt for the older children. 

Honestly, order is not my strong suit.  I sit here in a house that is getting there, but lacks an ease of use because of my lack of discipline.  My prayer, for a long time, has been that I would develop a gentle, quiet spirit and create for my family a bright, cheerful home. I start off pretty good when I commit to my sweet Christ to TRY... but it gets hard and I get a little grouchy.  I have been reading a book about virtue that has re-opened my eyes to the beauty of order.
 Order... must touch all the other virtues or those virtues will become a burden.  If the virtue of chastity or purity is out of order, it becomes prudish and judgmental.  If the virtue of gentleness is out of order it can become insecure and shy.
Some virtues come naturally and some are work.  I have to remember God is honored in that work!
 I feel like the queen of *all or nothing*.  I look at a situation and if I can't tackle it and make it pretty awesome in a short amount of time I'll turn up my nose and move on.  Order on the other hand has an element of necessary repetitiveness.  It is essential to do something over and over to make it a part of your heart, your personality.  Virtue is the HABBIT of doing good.  When you first start (or restart) something weather it is tennis or kindness it feels unnatural.  It is through training and repeating the movements ("going through the motions") that it becomes easier to you and humanly perfected.
I have to remember this with my kids.  They are young and when we discuss a virtue I want them to be emulating it with in the week.  I wouldn't expect that kind of perfection in guitar playing, or basketball.   It takes many... many weeks of going through them motions imperfectly.  Like when I remind my son to say "yes m'am"  and he slumps down with a huff and says it. Well it wasn't perfect but it was said.  With patience I (should) say "No that's now how you talk to me, lets try again" Practicing the art of virtue!

Whataweek! A reflection

The Two "Non-schoolers"

I remember on the Monday of the first week of teaching the children last year.  Chris walked in the door, I was all dressed in workout clothes. I quickly greeted him and headed out the door for a walk.  I needed to get away from the echo's of "MOMMY I NEED HELP" and "CAN YOU WIPE MY BOTTOM?"  I felt frazzled and had to pray to bring my self down from the intense feeling that I was not cut out for this.  The year got better, mostly because I slacked off and drank more... but never the less I rarely felt like I needed to run away. 
What a difference a year makes.  Hang on!  This first week was a smooth flow of  Virtues and Saints, Handwriting and Reading, History and Math, Science and Hands on fun.  Even the 4 year old has been integrated into our day and isn't on the fringe playing Legos or begging for attention.  The 19 month old sits with us and eats cereal or plays with/eats play dough, but she seems happy too. I believe it is because I am happy.  I made my own curriculum.  I prepared extensively during the last weeks of summer.  Our work is based in great works of literature and not in dry textbooks.  We work as a family.  I Love It. A HUGE help has been Teaching Textbooks  for math.  It is all on the computer and I just have to check the grades.
Last year I thought my favorite thing about homeschooling would be sleeping in and staying in pajamas all day.  Well, when I wear the clothes I slept in, all day, I feel like a hobo.

  This year (so far...) I get up at 6 and go to the gym.  I have prayer time.   I come home ready for my J.O.B.  The kids get up, eat breakfast, get dressed, and make their beds.  All of this tells our sleepy brains "Hey! Its time to get serious."

  I love to stay up late.  I mean, I feel deeply rebellious against bed time.  The natural consequence of going to bed late because you were watching Duck Dynasty, is,  if you get up early, you feel like crap.  (Well, you do if you are old like me.) So, as much as I really hate it.  I have to go to bed, before 11. So far so good... well except for last night, I went out with my friends who also homeschool their children.  There is nothing like being with a bunch of Catholic ladies, who are "in the same boat" as I am, while being served tequila.  So. Much. Fun. We were loud and My friend and I got a chance to evangelize to our waiter.

 

 

So with all that said.  I pray, that I can be consistent.  Like most weaklings, I can start things with the best of them, what is the merit in that?? But sticking with it long term is H-A-R-D for me! They are worth it-  Those little sweet souls that God gave Chris and I to guide.  So if you read this.  Pray for me.  

 



 

So Much

I have spent the better part of the last week "lesson planning"  I am enjoying it.  Maybe I just enjoy the perfectly valid excuse to be off by myself in quiet. I have a great reason to grab a snack, get the kids busy with something, and tuck myself into a corner with the computer along with lots of fun supplies, and lay out plans for the year.
I often marvel at how much God leads me around life.  I find myself smack dab in the center of His will for me without much effort.  (Lately, it as simple as saying yes to my husbands decisions) I will often look at a given situation and swear that it can't be what I want or need, but God leads and I follow and it ends up better than I could have imagined.  Homeschooling is one of these such situations.  I remember sitting with a friend when we lived in Houston and literally making fun of women who would be crazy enough to undertake such an endeavor.  (We currently are both homeschooling our children.)  In our house when your foolish behavior backfires on you, we say "See, God don't like Ugly" yes I realize how horrible the grammar is, but it is gratifying when a child is pointing and laughing at their sibling and in their distraction trips and falls to say it...God don't like ugly... well I pointed and laughed at homeschoolers and tripped and fell right into it!
We find ourselves at a cross roads when it comes to where we will attend Church.  We have had few lovely grace filled years going to an Eastern rite Catholic Church, which I fought tooth and nail when my husband suggested we visit. Being a part of that parish brought new friends, new perspective, and new life adventures.  In prayer. Chris and I have heard Our Lord calling us away from our little Church.  We have been attending an Anglican Use Catholic church.  (If you wonder what that is click here.) Again, I am being led and not very smoothly.  I doubt my husband and his wisdom, I look to my feelings for guidance rather than Gods whisper of a voice.  Not to say we will leave St. Basil's behind completely, I love the tradition so much that I couldn't stay away. Still though, its sad to move on but peaceful to know you are resting in the hands of the one who made you and knows you.

Trim Healthy Mama

I am the queen of diet bandwagons.  I have done Atkins, South beach,  Cabbage soup, various cleanses,  juice fasts, raw foods, veganism, and many other diets.   My weight over the years has gone up and down. I just am one of those people who struggles!  Every joy filled birth of a baby is followed by a super motivated few weeks of eating ultra healthy and then a burn out and lots of self loathing.  I get motivated again and start that cycle over.  I feel most frustrated in the mornings standing in my closet before church trying to find something "cute", or when I am about to see an old friend that knew me when I had a metabolism.  I fret over profile pictures and wear lots of yoga pants in between my "good weight" phases because I WILL NOT buy clothes over a certain size. (I tell my self that I don't deserve them.)
So here is where I tell you about my new bandwagon, except it's not.  I believe I found a way of thinking about food and life that can be my nutritional transportation through this life as I journey toward heaven with my family. 
A book called Trim Healthy Mama has been such a blessing to me.  The long and short of the actual eating is not to mix (good) carbohydrates and (good) fats.  If you have a higher carb meal full of delicious (unprocessed) carbohydrates you keep your fat grams low. Still though, we are careful with carbohydrates!  If you have a fatty meal, full of scrumptious nuts and cheese, you keep your carbs very low.  You leave time between those meals so your body is only using one fuel at a time.  Guess what?  It helps you feel great and lose weight! 
The book is SO MUCH more than that.  I was convicted about how I often go on a diet and leave my family in the convenience food dirt! Mommy has a salad, kids have chicken nuggets... sad!  The authors talk about feeding their families well.  I have started making my husband's lunch, everyday- not just sometimes, it's a discipline for me, but I love him enough to do it. The book talks about our responsibility as Christian wives to keep in shape for our families!  We want to be full of energy, not irritable and grouchy.  It has empowered me to make sensible choices and not desperate "oh no I need to loose weight NOW" choices.  I also don't need to go to great lengths to buy special foods only found at high end grocery stores, if I don't want to.
I enjoy talking to women about Natural Family Planning because I find that this method of spacing  my children is most respectful of my natural fertility (yes I have 5 kids but we wanted them all and I've been married for 13 years, so lets do the math on how many I physically could have, It works is all I'm saying!) NFP contributes to my feeling valued and never used with in our sexual relationship.  As oppose to keeping myself from getting pregnant by ways that disrupt my natural state.  This way of eating is like that for weight loss and health.  It works with your body and helps get your head in the game too.  It took a good week after I finished the book too feel more confident in what to eat  and when.  I refer to the book constantly.  I have been making some new things that my family loves (some they hate) I don't feel obsessed with a way of eating. I feel like food fits into it's rightful place.  I enjoy it and I know the things I am putting in my mouth, and  those of my sweet family, are good and contributing to their long term health.
I also keep praying.  Praying for temperance, praying for humility, and patience.  I fell strongly that all the things we need to cure diseases were given to us by God in our foods and other things found in nature. (not that we don't go to the doctor when we need to)  I have confidence in Him to lead me to the right things in all the situations of our life.  I am grateful for this book.  I wanted to share.

Morning Mantras

As I strech in the morning.  I have started to repeat a few things and it helps my out look and I think it is working to change my behavior.  I say them through out the day too.  I pray for these intentions.
I can
Respond in Kindess and Gentilness to my children
Choose good things for my body
Do battle with Evil and with God by my side I win
Take a U turn quickly if I get off my path and get back on the right one!