So Much

I have spent the better part of the last week "lesson planning"  I am enjoying it.  Maybe I just enjoy the perfectly valid excuse to be off by myself in quiet. I have a great reason to grab a snack, get the kids busy with something, and tuck myself into a corner with the computer along with lots of fun supplies, and lay out plans for the year.
I often marvel at how much God leads me around life.  I find myself smack dab in the center of His will for me without much effort.  (Lately, it as simple as saying yes to my husbands decisions) I will often look at a given situation and swear that it can't be what I want or need, but God leads and I follow and it ends up better than I could have imagined.  Homeschooling is one of these such situations.  I remember sitting with a friend when we lived in Houston and literally making fun of women who would be crazy enough to undertake such an endeavor.  (We currently are both homeschooling our children.)  In our house when your foolish behavior backfires on you, we say "See, God don't like Ugly" yes I realize how horrible the grammar is, but it is gratifying when a child is pointing and laughing at their sibling and in their distraction trips and falls to say it...God don't like ugly... well I pointed and laughed at homeschoolers and tripped and fell right into it!
We find ourselves at a cross roads when it comes to where we will attend Church.  We have had few lovely grace filled years going to an Eastern rite Catholic Church, which I fought tooth and nail when my husband suggested we visit. Being a part of that parish brought new friends, new perspective, and new life adventures.  In prayer. Chris and I have heard Our Lord calling us away from our little Church.  We have been attending an Anglican Use Catholic church.  (If you wonder what that is click here.) Again, I am being led and not very smoothly.  I doubt my husband and his wisdom, I look to my feelings for guidance rather than Gods whisper of a voice.  Not to say we will leave St. Basil's behind completely, I love the tradition so much that I couldn't stay away. Still though, its sad to move on but peaceful to know you are resting in the hands of the one who made you and knows you.

Papa!

What a day yesterday.  We had a friend over for a play date. I got a pope alarm text on my phone and we turned on the television to watch and wait for Papa to appear!  It was such fun.  The children were dancing around and we had a little ice cream party to celebrate Pope Francis I!  It was so powerful to pray with our WHOLE Church an Our Father, Hail Mary, and Glory Be.  Our big universal Church, against which the gates of Hell can not prevail.

The day is beautiful again.  We went to the Zoo on Tuesday with lots of friends. My sweet friend Kelly was in town for the last few days and sadly she ended up sick and laying on my couch.  She barley mustered up the strength to drive home today. 

Last night was a little party for N's basketball team.  I got to have some nice chats with Mommies there and enjoy their company.  The Moms that I hung out with send their children to school They were talking about how they will only have one home next year.  It really made me feel a little envious.  I offer that to God and I know he will lead us to exactly what we are suppose to do.  I love having the children home and honestly if pressed, even if I was offered free tuition at a good Catholic school, I don't know that I feel like it's God's will for our family right now to have the children go to a conventional school.  The thought of having only L at home next year is such a temptation. Ugh...

This is how is should be.

Last night a priest friend of ours came over and had dinner.  It was a lovely evening. I made a yummy gumbo and we got to do a lot of chatting and enjoying of the children's antics.  The purpose of his visit was for our 7yr old Noah.  In the Eastern Church a person receives all the sacraments of illumination at once (Baptism, Chrismation or Confirmation, and Holy Eucharist) This leaves the sacrament of reconciliation to be determined by the parents.  Some children are ready early for this sacrament, as they seem to know right and wrong. Some little ones are ready later, just as we learn to walk differently our age of "reason" is not exactly the same. Noah is an old soul, I mean he is all little boy in his silliness, but he seems to be more aware of holiness, and concerned about the things of heaven, than my other kids.
So after dinner, Father and Noah went into a room and Noah got to go to confession for the first time.  After he was done saying a solemn and fervent  "Our Father"  for penance (I peeked into his room he was so sweet kneeling there), we gave him presents and the other children were jumping up and down (Jacob and Lily with out knowing why!) and it was s celebration.  And I just couldn't help think of the "rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents" (Luke 11) I just knew this is how it should be!  I am grateful for last night and the memory it made for our family.

Just need to say

Today is a beautiful day. It's going to be in the 70s and the children are playing outside. Lily and I are enjoying the breeze blowing through the house. This morning we talked about St Bernadette and blessed ourselves with Lourdes water that I got long ago from the spring in Lourdes France. We have a friend from church who spent the night with the boys. It keeps them busy and happy when we have a friend over to play.
Last night Grace and I traveled to a town near by to a consignment sale and got some great deals on clothes and she got a bike (in-spite of leaving hers out and getting it stolen) she's been bike-less for a few months and has been hoping for one. She loves to be outside.
We are visiting the nursing home today. I hope we spread some love!

Joy down in my heart.

My start this time is a question.  What does God want me to do?  He has clearly given me charge of 5 souls.  I know mostly my parenting consists in giving them back to Him.  But the part that I have in my hands, how do I fashion it into what he wants?  I resoundingly hear Him asking of me JOY, be a joyful Christian, a joyful woman, wife and mother. Just as soon as I say Yes Lord, I find my self frustrated and grouching at my children and being critical of my husband. 
I have denied it and tried to do with out it, but I know that the answer is the sacraments.  Confession, go more than you think you should. Eucharist, receive more than Sunday.   Visit our Lord in the tabernacle.  We attend an Eastern rite Catholic Church.  I love it there. The liturgy is so beautiful.  It turns my eyes toward heaven.  I leave Liturgy with a renewed sense of being a daughter of God.  Sadly, though, since I began to attend my little Eastern church I have abandon my fervor for the sacraments. I find myself giving into false humility prompted by Satan at how often I fall. Today during Liturgy I had a loud voice in my head telling me that in my current state I do not deserve to be there.  Then I hear the Lord counter, "My daughter you never deserve to be here, but I love you and you are mine and I want you here" I resolve to seek your grace Lord in the sacraments of your church more often this lent.  "O God come to my aid; O Lord make haste to help me" (Psalm 70:1)

Me Time!

I have always prided myself on being the type of mom who wants to be with my kids.  I mean all the time.  That is still true!  I love 'em.  I love home-schooling because they are with me all day.  I love to take them with me when I go places.  I love to hear what they have to say and I enjoy watching them grow, careful not to miss a step.
I was raised though, with an impression that left me thinking: "In order to be a good mother you must be a victim, you must pour out your life and keep nothing for yourself.  You must dress shabby so they can look good, you must look tired so they can sleep, you must remind them often of how much you sacrifice for them"  This sounds so noble doesn't it?  Oh so loving.    I see now... now that I am a mother, a wife, a woman, that this is a lie. 
Giving your children the example of a mother who takes care of herself is valuable.  Showing them that I am (and they see by example that they are) worth taking care of.  Even Jesus retreated from the crowds. I want them to know that in order to give like they should, they must be whole.  They need to take time to pray.  Take time to "re-create" them selves through recreation (Like that little play on words? =-P )  It's okay to know your boundaries by asking for help and to saying NO when it is due.  I don't need to fall apart in front of my family when I am at my wits end so they will pity me and let me get away for a bit.  I need to be the woman who plans time with my Lord everyday.  Who plans time here and there to get away for a bit  and take care of the daughter of God that I am. Then my hands are full to give to them.  We need to water our roots.  I wish I would have known this a long time ago.  I want to be an example of someone who knows how to give, and give generously, but I want them to know that it is good to love yourself (not to be confused with self absorbtion!) When I do these things I am a better wife.  I have love to lavish on my husband, and time and attention for my sweet little children.  I have peace.

The visitation

My Mom is visiting in a couple of days.  It has been a while since we have seen her!  Little L will seem like she has grown a bunch to Nana I'm sure.
I am hoping that the changes in me will be just as obvious.  I have been working in prayer to allow Jesus to help me be the type of woman who anticipates others needs, who can, in humility, allow unsolicited advice and even snide or annoying comments fade away and respond in charity.  It is often hard to deal with people in the present moment as we keep past hurts and memories that shape our responses to people.  I desire very much to be the woman that my daughters (and sons of course) can look at and know that I am doing my darnedest to have a heart like Mother Mary's heart.
 I am reading a book called Boundaries and it has helped me so much to to know  the fact that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW AN ADULT CONDUCTS THEMSELVES.  I can only control how I react and I choose to react with peace.   It is okay to pause and tell someone that you need just a minute to process what they are saying before you respond.   I will continue to pray and read.... I also want to remind my self that listening to someone without inserting yourself into what they are saying, and then responding in charity, will bring peace.

We have a tummy bug going through the family.  Hubby came home early today and I feel such warmth when I get to serve him when he is sick.  (Not that I want him to be sick!:) We have been so blessed as of late, even when there is sickness in our house we seem to still get plenty of sleep.
Ike is a basketball and L is sleeping and the older ones are watching a movie.  I enjoy so much to come here and record my thoughts.  (If I had a glass of wine it may be even better, darn south beach diet) 
L turned one a few days ago.  I love that little bright light. She walks and climbs and says not a word unless I yell out one of the other kids names and she will mimic me.  N turns 7, I cant believe it...  7! in a few days and I love him too ahhhhhh where does time go?   "Don't cry that it is over, smile because it happened."  ~Dr Seuss
 Look back and smile... then move on in joy.  Deep breath... Life is so good.  Thank you my dear Lord.

self and sacrament

Lately my inner dialog has been like a little battle. My feelings are "self" seeking and my rational thoughts are speaking to "self" and telling her to do the right thing.  I usually try to catch sourness on the plane of thoughts and root it out.  I can tell it has been a while since I have been to confession when "self" begins to push out from within like a pushy bossy witch. 
Oh how much "self" wants be defensive when someone has hurt her feelings, or stepped on her, oh so sensitive, toes.  I have little eyes watching and little ears listening.  Without the sacraments it is very difficult to keep "self" hidden from the delicate little ones in my care. I find my "self" complaining out loud about people I have taught them to respect.  I find my "self" losing my temper about little things that I don't want to be important.  I mostly end up hiding behind things (like computers or other meaningless activities) instead of engaging my children or husband.
So- He is my strength when I am weak and I once again turn my eyes toward heaven and ask my Abba Father to pull me out of the mess I've made, clean me up, and give me a white as snow garment to wear. He does.

Burf day

Tomorrow I turn 34.  I have 5 children a husband who loves me and who takes care of and treasures our family. I sit here watching Texas football and nursing a sweet little Lily.  I am who I want to be.  A daughter of God, Chris' wife, my children's mother.  There is someone close to me, who finds every reason not to own who they are, not to look at their life and say this is who I am and I am going to dive in and be the best at it.  I don't want miss any of this  beautiful life because I am looking around, or down, or back.   I am seeking God's will, and I trust that he made me because he wanted to, because I am good and I know looks at me with mercy so I don't have to go around worrying about how much He loves me, I see it all over.  I hope with joy that I grow in holiness and that I please Him.  I'm so blessed to know how to do that.  I need to love, love lots and deeply.  Love my family, love my neighbor, and love my self, yup love me enough to take care of my soul and my body (I love my family by doing this too)
I have a burden though, for my country.  I want to renew my desire to pray for it.   I know God wants good for the USA.

fluttering close to the ground

This morning, I can barely wrap my mind around the words of St. JoseMaria Escriva.  He pictures himself as a little bird fluttering, short little distances, and slowly making it to a tree, then a house, until one day an Eagle mistakes him for one of his own and scoops him up and he soars higher and higher, then the Eagle lets him go and says FLY!!  St JoseMaria asks our Lord that He never allow him to be okay with fluttering close to the ground again.

It is so easy to keep your mind busy with the things on the ground, allowing what appears in front of our eyes to disguise what all things in life are...  An opportunity,  every diaper, meal prepared, and mess made to be cleaned, is a chance to soar with the eagles, to sanctify our lives!  If we roll our eyes at the cereal on the floor and in frustration clean it AGAIN, or grit our teeth at our husband when he isn't a prince charming here and there, we miss out on a beautiful moment to SOAR, to put a smile on our face and Tell our Lord thank you! We get a chance to serve Him, in his creations, who have been given to us- to love.  May I never forget that I live in the presence of God in a real way, All Day Long.  Right now!  "what peace is ours once we have embarked upon ‘the narrow road that leads on to life’!"

Not coffee with Not Cream

Well I am trying to figure out what on earth is going on with poor Lily and her spitting up.  I have eliminated dairy, gluten, and coffee. She is spitting up less, I hope it keeps improving.  As I sit here I am drinking herbal coffee with Coconut milk in it.  It is not that good.  I feel really good though.  It also feels very lenten to step up the sacrifice in the second half.

 This morning I was feeling pretty on top of it, and once I entered into prayer I felt frustrated,  some days I am a rock star and others I am giving up the fight, with no apparent difference in my circumstances or prayer life. His Grace is enough every day, but yet I don"t respond-  

  My failures serve to humble me and remind me of my dependence on Jesus.

  I remembered something St Terese of Lesuex said,  She referred to herself as Jesus' "plaything"-  A toy subject to his will and this pleased her.  She says this after she visited Holy Father Leo XIII in child like hopes he would give approval of her entering into the Carmelites early , (she wanted so much to be a nun) his response was that it would happen when God willed it, so her entry was  delayed, she felt alone and she said "He [Jesus] let His little ball fall to the ground and He went off to sleep" She envisioned herself as a little ball for the Child Jesus to play with, but not to simply cast aside.   Terese went on to describe her hope, in-spite of the disappointment with these words; "Jesus dreamed He was still playing with His toy, leaving it and taking it up in turns, and then having seen it roll quite far He pressed it to His heart, no longer allowing it to ever go far from His little hand"   I want to be so devoted to Him, the lover of my soul, that I can regard my self as his plaything, at the complete mercy of His will, a brush for his hand and using only the paint he provides, not seeking after what I see as brighter or better. He knows the desires of our hearts.  They are important to him only after our salvation.  TRUST

I am so glad this has gotten me to get out my copy of  The Story of a Soul by St Terese, I have read it many many times, the pages are yellowed and dog-eared and written on, I think its time to read it again.  St. Terese pray for us

After a Visit

My Mom just left.  It's always sad, a let down of sorts,  when you have a visitor and then they leave. Life is back to normal, which is beautiful, but it is nice to have an adult around all day to bounce things off of, or to pick up the slack.  My mom and I  differ some in our views of how children are to be raised, or homes are to be cleaned, and frankly my poor mother gets a bit overwhelmed by the business of our home.  When you add an extra element, even when they are helpful, it can bring on more stress than usual. We abandoned some of our lenten traditions and sacrifices while she was here, I am glad to get back on track!  I do miss her though. Hopefully she will be back soon.
Jacob and Isaac had birthdays on the 4th and 5th respectively. We had, at the last minute, friends over.  We had a fire in the back and roasted marshmallows.  I feel so blessed that I could call them a few hours before and they showed up ready to celebrate! 
I worked out this morning and when I returned (after hubby left for work) the boys were busy in a blanket fort and Lily was sleeping so I took some time to pray. I was reminded about a few things I have been neglecting in my life along with the fact that my time on earth isn't getting any longer.  Some tasks I should be more attentive to, and some human weaknesses that I don't keep in check like I should.   So I made a simple plan to pay more attention to these things.  I am going to commit it to paper, it helps me to remember.  Oh the spirit of Lent.  It is reflective and repentant.  I'm grateful for the grace to stop here in the middle and recommit.  I am off to have the first cup of coffee, of the rest of my life.

There is something about Ash Wednesday!

Honestly I can feel the GRACE in the air. As the people of our Universal Church (even the marginal Catholics) get ashes and reflect on sacrificing.  It feels inspirational to be a part of something like this. As I said in another post, Lent started for eastern Catholics a few days ago...Ash Wednesday is in my heart though- the solidarity of struggling along side the rest of the weak but striving human race.  "Remember, O man, that you are dust, and unto dust you shall return."-Genesis 3:19

 Since Lily was born I have been using movies and television shows as a distraction for the older kids a lot.  Today we are going cold turkey, back to the way it should be, no TV! It is amazing all the opportunities for lessons taught and learned, games of pretend, and for little bodies to be in motion these are easily cut in half when the television is in our life.  
Isaac went to the Doctor, he has had a fever on and off for 5 days now.  They couldnt find anything wrong except fluid in his ears.  I am a little worried because now sweet baby girl has a stuffy nose, and that is such a bummer when you nose is so small.  


Currently...After some serious wining and fighting all 3 boys are in their beds to "reflect". We read a book about some chimps who are kind and courteous first, so they would have some food for thought :)   It's a wonderful life.

 

Little things

Last week I had a lunch date with my sweet friend Milissa.  We ate fast food and chatted about a few things, none of them world changing, but it fills my soul to spend time with fellow women.  Especially one seeking holiness so diligently.  
After Liturgy on Sunday we picked up some Carnitas and headed over to the Home of some friends, the children played outside and our families along with a couple other friends from church chatted and ate and enjoyed fellowship.  I know I say it all the time, but I love our Church.  I love the Eastern perspective of Catholicism.  The East is the Mother, while the West is the Father.  I see so much how this is true.  The nurturing of the East has called me on so much in my relationship with my Lord, fellow humans, and in peace.
 I have ordered a book called  The way of the Pilgrim.  By "The Monk of the East"  I am excited to read it.  It begins "By the Grace of God I am a Christian, by my deeds I am a sinner, and by my calling I am a homeless wander of humblest origin."  When he says the word "Christian"  it is in such a pure way.  No political undertones or denominational worries.  No fingers pointed, only at his sinful self with humility.
I got to drive Grace alone in carpool this morning (Isaac is sick, poor guy). It was nice in the cool of the morning to talk with her, she is so gentile and beautiful inside and out. I must include that,  a kind soul, that we have the pleasure of being friends with, said "I admire Grace's Meekness" this warmed my heart! 
Since our newest little flower needs so much attention and the other 4 desire it so much, the moments I waste are moments that are stolen from my children.  The biggest burden on my heart as the mother of a set of 5 souls is if I can sufficiently give the, eye contact, gentile touches, heart to heart talks, and enthusiasm for the things they are excited about, as they need it.  I just have to make sure I take the chance when I can to get down on their eye level and tell them they are special.