Me Time!

I have always prided myself on being the type of mom who wants to be with my kids.  I mean all the time.  That is still true!  I love 'em.  I love home-schooling because they are with me all day.  I love to take them with me when I go places.  I love to hear what they have to say and I enjoy watching them grow, careful not to miss a step.
I was raised though, with an impression that left me thinking: "In order to be a good mother you must be a victim, you must pour out your life and keep nothing for yourself.  You must dress shabby so they can look good, you must look tired so they can sleep, you must remind them often of how much you sacrifice for them"  This sounds so noble doesn't it?  Oh so loving.    I see now... now that I am a mother, a wife, a woman, that this is a lie. 
Giving your children the example of a mother who takes care of herself is valuable.  Showing them that I am (and they see by example that they are) worth taking care of.  Even Jesus retreated from the crowds. I want them to know that in order to give like they should, they must be whole.  They need to take time to pray.  Take time to "re-create" them selves through recreation (Like that little play on words? =-P )  It's okay to know your boundaries by asking for help and to saying NO when it is due.  I don't need to fall apart in front of my family when I am at my wits end so they will pity me and let me get away for a bit.  I need to be the woman who plans time with my Lord everyday.  Who plans time here and there to get away for a bit  and take care of the daughter of God that I am. Then my hands are full to give to them.  We need to water our roots.  I wish I would have known this a long time ago.  I want to be an example of someone who knows how to give, and give generously, but I want them to know that it is good to love yourself (not to be confused with self absorbtion!) When I do these things I am a better wife.  I have love to lavish on my husband, and time and attention for my sweet little children.  I have peace.

The visitation

My Mom is visiting in a couple of days.  It has been a while since we have seen her!  Little L will seem like she has grown a bunch to Nana I'm sure.
I am hoping that the changes in me will be just as obvious.  I have been working in prayer to allow Jesus to help me be the type of woman who anticipates others needs, who can, in humility, allow unsolicited advice and even snide or annoying comments fade away and respond in charity.  It is often hard to deal with people in the present moment as we keep past hurts and memories that shape our responses to people.  I desire very much to be the woman that my daughters (and sons of course) can look at and know that I am doing my darnedest to have a heart like Mother Mary's heart.
 I am reading a book called Boundaries and it has helped me so much to to know  the fact that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR HOW AN ADULT CONDUCTS THEMSELVES.  I can only control how I react and I choose to react with peace.   It is okay to pause and tell someone that you need just a minute to process what they are saying before you respond.   I will continue to pray and read.... I also want to remind my self that listening to someone without inserting yourself into what they are saying, and then responding in charity, will bring peace.

We have a tummy bug going through the family.  Hubby came home early today and I feel such warmth when I get to serve him when he is sick.  (Not that I want him to be sick!:) We have been so blessed as of late, even when there is sickness in our house we seem to still get plenty of sleep.
Ike is a basketball and L is sleeping and the older ones are watching a movie.  I enjoy so much to come here and record my thoughts.  (If I had a glass of wine it may be even better, darn south beach diet) 
L turned one a few days ago.  I love that little bright light. She walks and climbs and says not a word unless I yell out one of the other kids names and she will mimic me.  N turns 7, I cant believe it...  7! in a few days and I love him too ahhhhhh where does time go?   "Don't cry that it is over, smile because it happened."  ~Dr Seuss
 Look back and smile... then move on in joy.  Deep breath... Life is so good.  Thank you my dear Lord.

the gang

I love when our family is traveling in a pack. If I had it my way we would even take grocery trips as a family (husband included of course!)  Today we spent time with friends and the boys skipped going to Boy Scouts and we were all together.  I feel so happy and peaceful about it all.  For a moment though, as we were driving home a thought came,  what's it all for?  What do I hope to instill in these people with my diligence in keeping them so very close to me.  I hope it gives them a sense of security.  I want them to be loyal and I want to protect them.  I hope that as they grow up they will keep their families close to Chris and I and their children close to them. I have such a sad feeling when I sit and think of an empty home, and all the littles off living separate lives, crossing mine only here and there.  I have a good friend, one whom I respect, that when we discussed this, she looked ahead with joy at her kids leaving and getting to spend retired years with her husband.  I have a hard time with that.  I of course, love my sweet husband and I do love to spend time with him.  I can't though, shake the edge of sadness that comes when I think about the days of no more legos to step on and no more constant "mom, mom, mom!"  My only solution to this is a general one.  Trust in God,  and rely not on your own understanding.  Life is good and it makes sense as it is because all we have is the present.  I can't wrap my head around a "what if".  When we get there God will be there too, and I will have the grace to have peace in those moments too.                                                                                                                                            

self and sacrament

Lately my inner dialog has been like a little battle. My feelings are "self" seeking and my rational thoughts are speaking to "self" and telling her to do the right thing.  I usually try to catch sourness on the plane of thoughts and root it out.  I can tell it has been a while since I have been to confession when "self" begins to push out from within like a pushy bossy witch. 
Oh how much "self" wants be defensive when someone has hurt her feelings, or stepped on her, oh so sensitive, toes.  I have little eyes watching and little ears listening.  Without the sacraments it is very difficult to keep "self" hidden from the delicate little ones in my care. I find my "self" complaining out loud about people I have taught them to respect.  I find my "self" losing my temper about little things that I don't want to be important.  I mostly end up hiding behind things (like computers or other meaningless activities) instead of engaging my children or husband.
So- He is my strength when I am weak and I once again turn my eyes toward heaven and ask my Abba Father to pull me out of the mess I've made, clean me up, and give me a white as snow garment to wear. He does.

Burf day

Tomorrow I turn 34.  I have 5 children a husband who loves me and who takes care of and treasures our family. I sit here watching Texas football and nursing a sweet little Lily.  I am who I want to be.  A daughter of God, Chris' wife, my children's mother.  There is someone close to me, who finds every reason not to own who they are, not to look at their life and say this is who I am and I am going to dive in and be the best at it.  I don't want miss any of this  beautiful life because I am looking around, or down, or back.   I am seeking God's will, and I trust that he made me because he wanted to, because I am good and I know looks at me with mercy so I don't have to go around worrying about how much He loves me, I see it all over.  I hope with joy that I grow in holiness and that I please Him.  I'm so blessed to know how to do that.  I need to love, love lots and deeply.  Love my family, love my neighbor, and love my self, yup love me enough to take care of my soul and my body (I love my family by doing this too)
I have a burden though, for my country.  I want to renew my desire to pray for it.   I know God wants good for the USA.

First world problems hehe

2013 a good time to return to blogging after a hiatus. 
We had a lovely Christmas, we went to mass at "Mapita's" church.  It was sad to miss Christmas with our church family at St Basil's but I know it was important to her that we be with her.  We went to her house where the children were given lots of gifts. The Children get a little overwhelmed, so much "stuff" at once leads to none of the gifts meaning anything.  The kids become grouchy and truly over stimulated.  I risk seeming ungrateful, but I have the best interest of my children at heart. I am truly grateful to her though for her intentions of making all the children feel loved and special.  I have spoken to many parents who feel this way... anyway i know there are worse "problems" to have...
We spent Christmas morning here at home.  Chris reads the story of the nativity and the children open a couple presents and then we head to Grandma and Grand-dad's house.  There is a big meal and more presents.  It was blessed.
For new years eve we went to some dear friends house where we celebrated and enjoyed time together. 
Chris went back to work today.  I wish he was here still but we need to ease back into school mode.

I have run out of time... back to life

A little Look.

 I used to keep up a blog when the big kids of this house were small and I remembering having such joy just sharing our little everyday things. I wrote it because I wanted to keep a record of life and thoughts, I lost the joy in blogging so I seek to regain it.  I know bearing your soul on the net is not for everyone but I like it :) So here I go trying to recall the events of the last month

 A few weeks ago we went to some events in the Arts district that occur only once a month.  It was loads of fun.  We were with some of our favorite friends and we did crafts, had a beer tasting, viewed works of art, ate at the base of the skyscrapers in downtown, and attended a concert- all for free.

We bought a membership to the D-town zoo.  We have gone twice in the last few weeks. One day we spent from 10am to 5pm there. We brought a lunch and played in the water they have in the children's area.

We rode the monorail and saw so many things that our heads were spinning and all the tired little ones on the way home couldn't stop talking about the rhino who rolled in the mud and the bird who was eating another bird! They got to pet an opossum (which is vastly different from a possum) and feed a giraffe and have birds land all over them.  We can't wait to go back!

This week has been a bust as far a home-school goes... Monday we were suppose to go to an apple orchard with a group of friends but Noah woke in the night with a fever and I woke the next day with a terrible tooth ache.  This tooth has been a thorn for me for over a year.... It's a long story but I am waiting again for a root canal because of complications.  Tuesday I went to the dentist in the morning and was in excruciating pain for the remainder of the day. I laid down while my poor little ones kept them selves busy and eventually I put on a movie. Wednesday the morning was spent again at the dentist, this time for the children, then the afternoon spent driving way out to piano lessons then baseball practice.  So, today I set myself up to fail, I was in 'crazy catch up mode' and I have been a grouch.  I finally decided after tears on my part... that we would start this week's work next week.

Tomorrow we head out to Grand-dad and Grandma Vaughan's farm.  It has been in the family for 100 years and we are going to have a celebration.  We are packing our sleeping bags and some guns that need to be shot :) and driving out to nowhere Texas to sleep on a screened in porch and eat home cookin' with lots of fine folks.  I am delighted to have my husband all to my self in the car while the children watch a little movie and I can just listen to what ever he has to say.  I look so forward to getting out there a little early and having my sweet family all to myself with no pressure to 'do school' or find somewhere fun to go or to entertain a visitor. I hope very much that it works out like I hope.  But I will take what I get and have joy about God's will.

These are special days... all of the children are small enough to enjoy the same show on TV or same board game.  They all like to sing in the car and take walks as a family.  They all run to the door cheering when Daddy gets home.  I hope it stays this way for a while.

This weather has been nice, it gives way to reflection when there is such a mild evening and I am grateful. So...Another Thursday come and now dwindling away, I hope I spent it well. Life is so short.