Peace in the home

A lot of "unrest" in my home comes from me.  My life is so beautifully set up as God wants.  I am in love with my vocation and I get to share that with a supportive husband and sweet good hearted children.  I am noticing still, as life goes on, that I have yet to completely settle in as wife and mother. (I am very happy and am very "settled" to a degree) This statement may seem absurd,  I mean from the outside this may seem silly, because wife and mother,  well... it's all I do.  Yet, I really do keep this state of unrest in my heart that pops up from time to time and makes me a real grouch.  Where does it come from, who knows.  Parents who wanted me to be successful in the world in a different way, my mother used to sing me to sleep with I am woman hear me roar... (although I am quite sure they love who I am now) or an outside world so contrary to what I live, or simplely stupid vanity and laziness.  I think the latter.

I would like to know how to correct this.  Root it out and make it not.  We are looking into a smaller Church, a Byzantine church, where the Priest knows your name.  I don't know why, but there is a huge feeling in my heart that this move is crucial to the holiness of my family.  Still I hesitate.  I have been "Roman" Catholic all my life, and a change in worship is nuts for me.  I am hoping to go to confession this Saturday, it has been over a month and I want to clean my slate, I am excited to then try...try this new experience that I (for the first time in a long time) feel actually called to.  I am glad that my Lord is still patient enough to call me to anything, I am pretty stubborn and lazy sometimes.

So there it is.  My thoughts today.
N is very sick and his EXTREME wining and neediness is making me a bit crazy, but praise God for a little bit of trial so I can smooth those rough edges that I have so many of.  Our Lady of the Rosary pray for my sweet N to get better.

summer fade...

Well you wouldn't know by the weather, but school is starting soon.  I will miss the little ones being here all day, but welcome the structure and a little extra quiet :) tomorrow I have an ultra sound to see the baby for the first time, maybe we will find out if this baby is a girl or boy.  I am excited. 

Groceries make the difference

Filling my house with lots of new healthy food really revitalized me.  I straitened up nicely and worked hard to make lots of healthy snacks.  When we are getting to the end of our Groceries and the end of our budget I feel frustrated, it's silly, because we still have plenty to eat if I get creative.
Day 1 of Hubby gone has been fine.  Although the Kids watched a lot of TV so I could clean our very messy kitchen, normally I would kick them out to swim but the pool has gone pretty green and we are out of chlorine and I would rather hubby get those suplies.  G is off at a friends house.  I will be so sad not to sleep with her tonight :(  Some friends, Cr and her room mate, are coming over to watch movies this evening.  I plan on making sticky popcorn balls with M & M's. I can't wait to take some of the beautiful veggies I bought and Juice them.  The Juice makes me feel great!
The Kids seem to enjoy it sometimes... they like the fruit ones of course. 
I should wake up J so he will sleep tonight.

and the beat rolls on

Well sweet husband is gone for the weekend.  I miss him.  I feel like when he left things were a little tense.  I think our good bye wasn't all he hoped it would be.  I am tired.  I am pregnant.  I guess ...no know, I am more than a little selfish. I will try to be better. 

A good cry

Last night I had a good cry.  Pregnancy hormones, negative thinking, and a sad movie, all mixed together to send me to the bathroom, while the house was sleeping ,to sob on the floor.  And sob and sob... Was it productive?  Did it help?  I prayed some while I cried.  That was good.  I thought a lot about what I don't like about my self, that was not good.
Sigh... This morning has been nice.  I feel tired from my emotional flood last night.
Anyway sweet friend- K and G went to pick up pizza for lunch.  I am hungry and I am out of creative meal ideas... so I look forward to the pizza.
K leaves tomorrow and Hubby leaves for the weekend on Friday. Ugh.  I feel left behind. I just want to go to a beach.  With my family.  I want to wake to the surf and breath the air and spend time laughing and playing with sand. Cant you see the sunny sky?  Don't we all want this?

One of those days

I mean it was a fine day. I had a dr appointment this morning.  Kelly watched the kids.  I had a pap smear done and lots of blood taken then. I came home had a sandwich it was so good :) sometimes sandwiches just hit the spot. 
I have that 'not to my full potential' feeling today.  I feel too exhausted to do anything to help. I would like to be good at something.  I would like to be more private when I talk.  I would like to be a maker of beautiful things. (Well I did aid in making 4 beautiful children, but that was mostly the work of God.)  I want to be satisfied with little and simple.  Could I be a quiet one?  In the back round and calming and doing the dutiful thing?  A strong sense of duty. The one who breaths in and out and smiles and moves forward bringing along the ones who need me with out a complaint.  A one foot in front of the other peaceful home maker.

so there.  tea cups and flower arrangements- neatness- hostess  you know..

Making memories

We spent yesterday at a lake with another family whom we enjoy spending time with.  They are very unassuming people, they have a calming presence even though they have 5 littles. Our children get along so well and use their imaginations.  G and her little friend were Peter and Wendy. The boys talked extensively to a man with a jet ski. We grilled out.  There were no grills available so a very nice and very animated black lady offered us her grill with this statement "Rachel Ray ain't go nothin on me!" We swam and the men even fished for a little. It got so very hot out and by about 2 we needed to get home.
We came home ,rested, then I took the older kids to mass (C will go today) after mass we  watched a movie.  Today hubby is at work for the morning. He should be home at 3 and I hope to make spaghetti squash for the first time.  I need to read about it a bit.  I also need to clean the pool and more urgently I need to change J's stinky diaper :) 

2nd trimester seems to be inching in.  I feel better and I have an all around better attitude.  I do feel bad though that with poor health comes a tendency to baby myself and a fowl mood for me and not a growth and holiness and an recognition of an opportunity for sacrifice. :(  Today is the day I get control of the overeating that I like to do during pregnancy.  I know that when the baby is born if I am carrying tons of extra weight I will not have a healthy mind set. Lord help me.

Number 5

Another addition in life ahead.  Baby number 5 on the way.  I always say...I love the babies, but ugh, pregnancy can be the pits. I never doubt that (even though it is very counter cultural) having a large family is God's plan for us.  I have total peace in that, no matter what people say :)  Gosh though- since I have been pregnant keeping the house clean and cheer in my manner has been more than a chore.  I just need to keep in prayer more than ever.  Discipline in eating becomes changeling too.  I tend to want to 'eat for two'  and I know unnecessary weight gain is bad for my state of mind. I want to be sacrificial in my choices.

G is off at a friends.  Poor I is sick with a fever and tummy ache.  I and N are watching He Man and J is sleeping! It would be a good time to straiten up the house. I think I will. I need to make a list. So plan: Make list, act on list.